Sleeping Alone Sucks

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The other night, Lil woke up and stumbled into our room, climbed up onto my monster of a bed, and fell asleep on Sean’s pillow. She mumbled something about not wanting to sleep alone.

I didn’t have the heart to put her back in her own bed, so I let her be for a while.

I can’t blame her for not wanting to sleep alone. I don’t like sleeping alone. Most nights, I stay awake much later than I should simply because I do not like falling asleep by myself. And I’m thirty-….something. I should be ok with this, but I’m not.

Last year, Sean worked overnights for 6 months. It was awful. I barely slept, I was restless, I was anxious. I actually bought an essential oil blend called Anxiety Ease because I was lying in bed listening for any little noise, convinced we were going to be robbed. I would get heart palpitations if our neighbors bumped the wall. I played soothing music on Spotify in an attempt to lull myself to sleep.

It was not easy.

Yet we expect a four year old to go to sleep by herself every night and sleep soundly and be ok with that while we have each other’s company just down the hall. Oh, and we’re grown ups. We should be ok with sleeping alone.

So if I’m not, why should I expect her to be?

So I let her curl up. I rub her back and comb her hair with my fingers. I snuggle up to her and we keep each other warm and cozy. And although it breaks my heart (and almost breaks my back because she’s pushing 40lb), I lift her sleepy, heavy body onto my shoulder and bring her back to her room, tuck her in, give her soft cheeks a kiss and tell her I love her and will see her when the sun comes up. I pray that she’ll sleep soundly and peacefully, and climb into bed, anxiously awaiting Sean to come home from work so I can finally fall asleep.

Andrew :: Two Months

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My poor, sweet Andrew. Total second child syndrome. He is nearly three months old, but nevertheless, here’s a two month update. πŸ˜›

As of his two month checkup on May 9, he was 9lb 3 oz, 22 inches long. At birth he was 6lb 8oz and 19.5 inches long.

He started really smiling! His personality is exploding every day and he’s so incredibly sweet and silly. He loves having his diaper changed, watching his Sissy dance and sing, and teasing mommy that maybe he is ready to go to sleep for the night. He has a smirk that rivals Han Solo’s.

Sleep is hit or miss. Some days he naps a lot, other days I wonder if he’s actually napped at all. Nights are still spent in 3-4 hour chunks, which is better than being up all night. He is sleeping in the pack and play in our room until at least sometime this summer, when we decide he’s sleeping well enough to transfer him to his crib in his and Lil’s room. No need to disturb her sleep if we don’t need to.

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We are nursing as much as possible, and supplementing with formula as needed. Some days it’s not at all, other days it’s one or two bottles. I’m trying to keep my supply up, but also trying not to stress or drive myself crazy like I did with Lily.

His neck strength is getting really good, and tummy time is becoming less tragic. He looooves to kick his right foot. Maybe he’ll be a drummer and kick that bass drum like a champ?

We went to a friend’s wedding as a family of four and made it through almost to the end of the night. Lily danced with anyone and everyone, non-stop. Andrew made his dance floor debut in my arms and charmed everyone to bits.

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Mother’s Day was truly glorious. Sean did a great job making me feel special and loved and relaxed. I got Dunkin Donuts coffee and a sandwich in bed and did not get out of bed until close to noon. We just hung out all morning in our pjs in our new king sized bed (!!!) and ate and watched The Office and Elena of Avalor. We got sushi for lunch and pizza for supper, and spent the day lounging and napping and watching movies. Like I said, glorious.

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We’re enjoying getting to know his personality as it emerges. Sean says (and I agree) that he is definitely a mama’s boy. He loves snuggling in my arms and he just prefers me. I chalk it up to being his main food source, but I ain’t complaining! I will take all the snuggles I can get every day of my life. Same still goes for Lil. Someday they won’t want to snuggle and give me hugs and be close, so I’ll take it as much as I can get it.

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The best thing is watching his and Lily’s relationship grow and develop. She is just crazy about him and the sun rises and sets on her as far as he is concerned. I’m so blessed to witness it all.Β 

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Adventure Is Out There

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Almost nine years ago as a recent college graduate, I moved to Connecticut and started my job. A week later, Sean and I broke up and I was at a crossroads. My mom told me she would come help me pack and move back home, but I felt like that would be giving up on so much that I had risked in moving down there. I told her I had to stay and see what happens.

A lot happened. Sean and I got back together a couple months later. Now we’ve been married 5 years and have our beautiful girl. I stayed at the same company and it became a kind of second home to me. My coworkers became close friends and family away from home. There have been ups and downs, frustration with my job or craziness going on in life. And when I started doing photography and exploring other creative interests, I wasn’t sure if the time would actually come that I’d be able to walk away from the day job to pursue my dream.

It’s scary to walk away from a set schedule and paycheck. It’s scary to take hold of your future more independently. It’s scary to

But it’s a heck of a lot scarier to think about living with regret or unhappiness or dissatisfaction, without ever taking that leap of faith and seeing what happens.

So that day is here. Tomorrow’s my last day at the office. Time to bring home the picture frames of my family and set them on the mantle at the new house.

The future holds something new and different. I’m nervous, and in all honesty, very sad to leave my friends here. I’ll miss them dearly. But more than anything, I’m ready to move forward.

I’m ready for a new set of challenges.

I’m ready to get my hands dirty.

I’m ready to change the pace of our family life and refocus on what matters most.

I’m ready to see and embrace what’s next.